8 Reasons Why You Struggle To Find Love

"They say love hides behind corners. I must be walking around in circles." -Joe King

Have you ever found yourself wondering what it would be like to be in a serious and long-lasting relationship? Or maybe you’ve already been in a relationship, and wish you could continue to grow in it, or find another relationship like it?

As someone who thinks and wonders about this often, I have found and studied many reasons why I personally find love particularly hard to find. Reasons may vary for you, but I’ve found what I’ve thought to be the most relatable and common reasons, and hope this might be able to help you dig deeper and understand yourself better.

You’re Only Looking For “The One”

Alright, let’s be honest here. No one is ever going to match your dreams of a perfect match exactly. I often find myself saying things like “I could never have a crush on this guy because so and so” or “I could never like them because this or that,” but in reality, that’s a terrible way to look at it.

If you’ve been in a relationship, you know that no one is perfectly the way you imagined them to be. There may still be some things that bother you about them, or they may be different even in positive ways that you hadn’t really thought about beforehand.

It’s pleasant to think that there is someone out there specifically just for you, the Chosen One who God specifically set on that earth to be your love for the rest of time. But that’s more harmful than helpful. When you’re too busy looking for that perfect person, you end up missing out on a lot of what could be potential relationships.

You can’t really expect to be a Disney Princess, sitting and waiting for your true love to saunter into your life looking and being absolutely perfect. Sometimes, you have to be flexible.

And that’s okay.

You Don’t Love Yourself

Sometimes, we look for people to love us to give us our worth, whether it be from your family, friends, or lover. But the truth is, if you don’t love yourself, it’s really difficult to feel like anyone else can.

Loving and respecting yourself in a humble way is the foundation of many relationships. This requires embracing and understanding and trying to care for the things about you that you may have trouble understanding. And then it requires stepping out of your comfort zone and helping yourself in whatever way possible.

God wants you to know that your love is worth it to Him. And He wants you to love yourself so you can help share that love in your relationships as well.

You Don’t Actually Look

Alright, so you’re sitting in your room, sulking to yourself about how no one seems to notice you, and that you don’t seem to be cared about no matter what you do, and so on.

But then, when your friend calls you up to ask if you’d like to hang out with her and her friends, you make up some kind of excuse to avoid going so you can continue hiding under your blankets and from the world.

That’s not really looking for love, pal.

As much as you may want love, you aren’t really willing to take the extra step to get it. You don’t want to put yourself out there and make yourself available. But the truth is, love isn’t about to crash into your front yard and knock on your door asking for a place to stay. We don’t live in a Hallmark movie.

Love takes a bit of work. And if you think love is worth it, then you should totally step out of your comfort zone and search. Be open, flexible, but have an idea of what you’re looking for.

And maybe you’ll catch an eye.

You Try Too Hard

Sometimes, when you’re so desperately searching for the right one, it can kinda creep people out. Try not to seem too clingy or wanting because it can scare possible love away.

Being desperate can come from feeling alone or that only a relationship could possibly complete your life. This can be overwhelming not just to others but to you as well. Don’t believe that love is the only thing that can complete you. And love isn’t something you can force or create.

And guess what— sometimes studies find that when someone doesn’t necessarily seem to be looking for love specifically, they can even appear more attractive and draw more people.

Love is not a race.

You’re Afraid of Getting Hurt

Whether you’ve been in a relationship already or whether you’ve just thought about it, possible breakups are something that can scare anyone away from the possibility of having a relationship.

This can cause you to hold back or hide from possible love just because of all of the “what-ifs” running through your mind.

This way of thinking can keep you away from many healthy relationships, and it’s helpful to be able to know that breakups or arguments and the pain as the results are just a part of love and the experiences. It doesn’t measure your worth or make you unlovable.

And if you keep hiding, you may miss the opportunity to have a relationship with someone who genuinely cares and will care about you for the rest of your life.

You Have Trauma

I don’t know what kind or when it happened, but some kind of experience, memory, or just way of thinking is holding you back. This is pretty common, sadly, and what happened in your past can often affect your present and future if you don’t try to patch it up.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” -Carl Jong

Take time to explore yourself, your past, and your feelings. And I pray you find a partner who is willing to help dig deeper with you.

You’re Still Healing From Past Relationships

If you’ve had a relationship, whether it be romantic or platonic, that seemed to recently just fall apart, lots of people find themselves jumping to action to find another to take their place in their life, even though they haven’t completely finished healing from the event.

That doesn’t usually work, and it can even set you up for more heartbreak. It can be harmful in your relationships to still be thinking about your last relationship mess-up while being in your new one. Only when you’ve completely made peace with whatever happened is it safe and smart to jump into something new.

So…what now?

Great question, actually. All of these problems can be fixed different ways and all have different solutions. But prayer, self-confidence, and knowing what your worth is always a great way to start.

Sometimes you may need to talk to people about them (I know, crazy, right?) or it may be something you meditate on for a while by yourself.

Just make sure that love isn’t what defines who you are. And if God intends it to be, you will find that true love one day, and for all you know, maybe you already have.

“All you need is love— but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” —Charles Schulz